Have a Go Ya Mug

Posted on July 31, 2013 by The Ed

When I were a lad, fearsome fast bowlers who came over here used to look like this…

or occasionally like this…

They used to have odd actions…

…and even odder facial hair…

…and they always smiled, even (or especially) when they were about to knock your block off…

…and if they couldn’t bowl you out, they’d punch you out…

…(no changes there, then, I suppose ?)…

…but the old bowlers would set fields like this…

…and they were all very scary indeed.

Nowadays, if someone scary turns up to bowl…

…the image men get hold of him and make him look like a nice boy. They don’t scare anybody.

…I mean really ! who’d be scared of these two ?

It wouldn’t have happened back then, they didn’t care about coming across as nice blokes…

…but sometimes nowadays you tend to think that some boards regard the image of their attack bowlers above their substance or ability — like these guys Sidders, Starckers, Patters and Rolfy…

There are always those who tend to go a little over board, of course, even for the marketing men…

SO C’MON, AUSSIE, FOR CHRIST SAKE. LET’S SHOW A BIT OF GRIT. MAKE A GAME OF IT — OR YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE BOUGHT THAT OTHER MITCHELL WITH YOU (STARKERS OR NOT).

HAVE A GO YA MUG !

Fair Splungin’

Posted on July 29, 2013 by The Ed

East End Celebrates the New Arrival

Test Match Special – The Lost Tapes

Thought for the 4th Day

Posted on July 21, 2013 by The Ed

Yep, Bell should have walked, Broad should have walked. Clarke should have walked , Haddin should have walked— (Root should only walk when he actually does hit it.) Chappelli should have walked, Percy Fender should have walked, Jardine, Woodfull (while he still had his head), WG Grace…. they all should have walked at some stage.

I have seen three or four batsmen walk this summer, some English, some Aussies, —and a lot who haven’t : some Poms, some Aussies. I am off up to HQ later , hopefully to watch an hours tonk-fest by Root etc, then Jimmy and Swanny get amongst the Australian batsmen (sic). Some of them may walk. Some may not. 150 years of bringing up kids in the colonies and teaching them NEVER EVER EVER to walk (attrib: Damien Martin) does have a tendency to come back and bite you up the arse.

Keep an eye out for me: — I’ll be the fat bloke in the crowd, big read head, stupid T-shirt.

World Exclusive: Hotspot Footage Proves Trott Hit the Ball

Posted on July 12, 2013 by The Ed

The Sharp Single can this morning Exclusively reveal to the world that ~~South Af~~ English batsman Jornathorn Trortt was erroneously given out LBW my ~~neutral~~ South African umpire Marais Piper Erasmus.

Trortt, 32, of KwaZulu Natal, East Sussex, immediately asked for a referral of the decision to Mr Piper, who was in his suite busy examining the footage of earlier completely wrong decision by umpire B.Pew (T.Island) to give out Root Minor of the lower Fourth even though he clearly hadn’t hit the ball, (but was too frightened to say so).

England had already fallen foul of the new ICC “Wonder/Blunkett Method” when 12 year old Australian debutante Ashton Kutcher was given not out when stumped by reluctant-appealer Mat Howwozthatonethen Prior when the batter was closer to the non-striker’s end than his own,having amassed just 10 runs. Mr Kutcher went on to score 98, a world record for a number 11 batsmen who should have been given out two hours ago.

England were understandably furious with the officials. In an display of petulance and defiance, the former bowler Steve Finnish, playing in his last Test for England, bowled 17 consecutive overs at his own toes.

The ICC have apologised to England for the pisspoor decisions made during the day, and offered the whole team free tickets to the final of next year’s IPL (sponsored by Lehman Brothers).

Now The Sharp Single can exclusively bring you the missing Hortsport foortage. If you look very closely, you can just make out the faintest of white marks, as the ball just nicks Hansie Trortt’s bat. You be the jury.

Keith Vaz is expected to make a statement at lunchtime today.

The Ashes: The Greatest Story Ever Told

Posted on July 9, 2013 by The Ed

Nervous ? Me too.

Middle and Leg, Please.

Posted on June 19, 2013 by The Ed

Many congratulations to Mr Willie Eckerslike of Staines for the winning entry to the recent caption competition. For his winning effort of “If they go above my head, can they be called wide ?”) Mr Eckerslike wins for himself a pair of Anti-Pervert Hairy stockings (as reported by The Daily Telegraph), Several plastic OBEs, a drip-dry statue of Jane Mansfield and a ticket to Hampstead Fairground.

And now, as it’s that time of year again when the English, traditionally, exit a major tournament, here are some random cricket images:

The Australian Touring Party to England 2013. Not sure who the geezer front right is, don’t think he made the trip. The two fellas wearing the pink scarves are currently in the nets, awaiting confirmation of Australian citizenship. ACB hope they’ll be available by the Third Test. (D.A.Warner is out of shot, beating up the co-pilot.)

6a00d8341bfcfe53ef00e54f1403ea8833-800wi

M.A.Holding hears that no-one’s switched on the urn in the pavilion.

England’s crack Formation Ball-Tampering Display Team

Shane Warne finds a new career

England’s current World-Class Cricketers. And Stuart Broad.

The Doctor Will Bore You Now

Posted on June 7, 2013 by The Ed

Hello children, are you sitting comfortably ? Then we’ll begin.

Who will be the next Doctor Who ? Who will travel the galaxy, fighting crime and …things ? Who will be filling up endless pages of the Radio Times every week ? Who actually gives a toss ? Well some children and a few lonely, sweaty men apparently do. For some reason, we take a look at the runners and riders.

10-1 fav Dame Judi Fry

International Treasure: One of the most popular men in any era or galaxy, a Twit in every sense and a complete Time Lord. Or Similar. Lets himself down every Lunar Equinox with tales of his crippling depression — which he doesn’t like to talk about. Vows to become the best Doctor ever, or kill himself trying.

33-1 Keith Vaz MP

Politician / TV Celebrity: Well, he’s on everything else. With his trusted side-kick, Diane Abbott, Dr Vag would travel the Universe on any bandwagon that happens to be passing. May appeal to the ethnic voter. Though probably not.

50-1 Jade Dernbach

Cricketer [subs please check]: Has a huge following all over the Solar System. There are undiscovered life forms on Alpha Centauri who can already pick his slower ball. Reputation as a great death bowler won’t be exposed as a myth, as The Doctor never dies. His tattoos may scare smaller children. His bowling won’t.

66-1: Stuart Hall

Mailbag Sewer: The ever popular TV host, commentator and Mancunian Fiddler would bring with him his legendary catchphrase “And Here Come the Martians / Policemen” and a ready-made dipstick (possibly stolen from Arthur Ellis. Wipe it — we don’t know where it’s been). Unlikely to be allowed within seven light years of a female assistant.

150-1 Dr Marcus Welby, ABC

Devil-Dodger: The current Archbishop of Canterbury comes complete with all-seeing, omnipotent, imaginary friend. Doesn’t seem to have anything else to do. Hopes that there aren’t any of those homosexualist types on the Planet of the Daleks. Was branded a “wanker” by a CofE priest this week. Possibly won’t be the last time that happens.

250-1 Mr Horrible

Journalist, Surfer and Sharp Single Correspondent: Recently released from the clutches of the legendary “Dickheads of Time”, Mr Horrible resides in his secret hideaway in the Catacombs of gay Paris, knocking out (steady !) endless rants to this very publication and to anyone else who may be passing. A match for any passing Davros or Cyberman, Horrible is a rank outsider due to his love of the C-word before the 9 o’clock watershed. Little fucker.

Pump Up the Volume

Posted on May 28, 2013 by The Ed

Now these are a cool couple. Pity he’s a little shy.

The Sharp Single

All Done

Category Archives: TV