The Doctor Will Bore You Now


Hello children, are you sitting comfortably ? Then we’ll begin.

Who will be the next Doctor Who ? Who will travel the galaxy, fighting crime and …things ? Who will be filling up endless pages of the Radio Times every week ? Who actually gives a toss ? Well some children and a few lonely, sweaty men apparently do. For some reason, we take a look at the runners and riders.

10-1 fav Dame Judi Fry

Actor Stephen Fry arrives at the premier

International Treasure: One of the most popular men in any era or galaxy, a Twit in every sense and a complete Time Lord. Or Similar. Lets himself down every Lunar Equinox with tales of his crippling depression — which he doesn’t like to talk about. Vows to become the best Doctor ever, or kill himself trying.

33-1 Keith Vaz MP

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Politician / TV Celebrity: Well, he’s on everything else. With his trusted side-kick, Diane Abbott, Dr Vag would travel the Universe on any bandwagon that happens to be passing. May appeal to the ethnic voter. Though probably not.

50-1 Jade Dernbach

zRTR38NP4Cricketer [subs please check]: Has a huge following all over the Solar System. There are undiscovered life forms on Alpha Centauri who can already pick his slower ball. Reputation as a great death bowler won’t be exposed as a myth, as The Doctor never dies. His tattoos may scare smaller children. His bowling won’t.

66-1: Stuart Hall

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Mailbag Sewer: The ever popular TV host, commentator and Mancunian Fiddler would bring with him his legendary catchphrase “And Here Come the Martians / Policemen”  and a ready-made dipstick (possibly stolen from Arthur Ellis. Wipe it — we don’t know where it’s been). Unlikely to be allowed within seven light years of a female assistant.

150-1 Dr Marcus Welby, ABC

Justin Welby, the Bishop of Durham, walks through Westminster in London

Devil-Dodger: The current Archbishop of Canterbury comes complete with all-seeing, omnipotent, imaginary friend. Doesn’t seem to have anything else to do. Hopes that there aren’t any of those homosexualist types on the Planet of the Daleks. Was branded a “wanker” by a CofE priest this week. Possibly won’t be the last time that happens.

250-1 Mr Horrible


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Journalist, Surfer and Sharp Single Correspondent: Recently released from the clutches of the legendary “Dickheads of Time”, Mr Horrible resides in his secret hideaway in the Catacombs of gay Paris, knocking out (steady !) endless rants to this very publication and to anyone else who may be passing. A match for any passing Davros or Cyberman, Horrible is a rank outsider due to his love of the C-word before the 9 o’clock watershed. Little fucker.

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That May Welby


Just a quick note to send many hearty congratulations to Justin ‘Marcus’ Welby who no longer is an M.D. but now an ABC, if the rumours are to be believed. Yes, the competition for the new Archbishop of Canterbury (no, I didn’t know we’d run out of the old one either) appears to be a shoe-in as even Messers J.Coral and P.Power seem to have stopped taking bets that Marcus will replace the Welsh Beardy-Weirdy as the head of the Church.

It’s about time that Welby had some luck. Having had to suffer the ignominy of Eton and Cambridge, and the hardship of being an Oil Executive for 11 whole years, it’s nice to see him getting a leg over up. This country needs more Eton Old Boys and products of Oxbridge in places of power and influence, especially when some of the ones we already have are in danger of being locked up following kiddy-fiddling cover-ups at the BBC and in Government. Thank heavens that none of that sort of thing goes on in Church.

So may I be the last to congratulate Mr Welbeing. And let that be the last time I write about him.

Amen.