Bulgar Off Home

Posted on by
3

It was only one flight. A routine, scheduled flight out of Transylvania (via Bulgaria to take on board fuel and terrorists) into London’s prestigious 8th Airport (Eric Morecambe International), but one which sent shock waves throughout the land.

The numbers were far worse than any of us could have ever feared. Many had predicted a rush, but no-one came close to this: 147. One Hundred and Forty Seven People. And this is JUST THE FIRST FLIGHT !!!.

AirportgridWe Won’t Romania for Very Long

Yes, an estimated 147 journalists, photographers, and sound technicians (some having traveled from as far as Salford) poured into Bedfordshire’s third favourite Airport to interview the same man. Several times. Mr Nico Wotiwonttonic stepped off the flight from Romania, the Bood-sucking Capital of the World, with the sole intent of raping babies, murdering grandmothers, molesting sub-postmistresses, dragging down house prices, and receiving £17,000 of free Anusol from our beloved NHS. Bastard.

He was accompanied by an estimated 1 man, a Mr Vlad Tomeetu of Sofia who had, it turned out, boarded the wrong flight in the first place. Mr Tomeetu was keen, however, to point out that he was very keen to leave squalor and deprivation for a new life as soon as he could and, therefore, hoped that someone could show him the quickest way out of Luton. 19 Daily Mail Journalists offered assistance.

I Vaz Just Passing

Also glimpsed at the Airport was reluctant celebrity and part-time MP, his Eminence Keith Vaz who cleverly kept himself in the background, away from the public gaze by secretly giving 16 interviews to journalists (many against their will), filing his copy for the Huffington Post, and posing for photographs with Mr Wotiwonttonic for no more than an hour, before he was removed by Police.

When asked what would become of Lord Viz, a police spokesperson said “He’ll get a blanket, a cup of coffee and a free bus ride home to Leicester. It’s all we can do, unfortunately. He’ll be back next week, just as soon as he smells the whiff of a dictaphone, or hears the whirr of a TV camera. It’s a never-ending cycle, but that’s Europe for you. Until parliament stamps down on these parasites, there’s little more we can do”.

Having interviewed thoroughly all one of the one new arrival, the press retired to the bar to swap negs. (Something for our older reader, there).

Diane Abbot was unavailable for comment.  No, really.

papers

Hooter’s off to Honkers

Posted on by
3

I am pleased to announce a number of exciting changes happening in the New Year here at The Sharp Single:

To celebrate the purchase of 3 new readers from Feltham (and who hasn’t recently ?) subscribers will be able to enjoy this publication as a 24/7 Operation. Yes, you read that correctly. For 7 Hours a week, 24 days of the month you may (or may not) be able to find something vaguely interesting, funny and/or original right here at what some are already calling  “not a bad blog for someone who can’t spell”.

Secondly, and taking the lead from many of Fleet Street’s finest, there will be a new, full-colour Sunday edition (The SSonS) — available at a minimal premium rate (Paypal only, please. Or small bills. Or a fridge pack of Guinness).**

The Author (left) and his new Honkers Bureau Chief thrash out the details of the contract.

Historic Handover: The Author (left) and his new Honkers Bureau Chief thrash out the details of the new contract.

And last, and by all means least, following the roaring success of the BBC’s move to the Third World (Salford), The Single (Sharp UK Ltd)  is pleased to announce the opening of its very first (and doubtless very last) Hong Kong office, where Ace [please check that someone—mb] veteran reporter A.Heckler will soon be taking hold of the tiller and keeping an eye on the world’s most terrifying economy for us. And the boozers therein.

So we wish good luck to Editor Heckle Fatty Pong and Lady Heckler and look forward to all those insightful and hilarious comments which we’ve all been waiting for while he was stationed in Blighty.

(Easy on the Dim Sum, Harry)

Artist's impression of the new HK office with Correspondent newly-installed.

Artist’s impression of the new HK correspondent’s first day in his office.

**info correct at time of press. Publication dependent on me waking up in time to file. Wastelines can go up as well as down. Successful applications will be notified by post. Probably. Charlton for the Cup. Terms and conditions apply. Typical APR 3974%. Always read the label. May cause drowsiness. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading this publication. Mind the Gap.

More Christmas Repeats

Posted on by
3

One would have thought the TV companies (even one as shockingly poor as Channel 5) could have thought of something more original than Chitty Chitty Bang Bang to show over the Xmas period. Seems like they’re playing it every 1/2 hour, on the hour. Do they have nothing better to do than scare the children ?

An Evil, Nasty Character, the cause of many a nightmare and sleepless night. And the Child Catcher.

Mrs Brooks in character as The Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty… and, right, before makeup.

(Apologies to our older reader for the repeat of this joke)

5 aren’t, of course, the only culprits. T’BBC must have shares in Con Air (showing every other Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday at 7, 9 and 11pm on BBC4).  The remake is due to go into production this year, coincidentally also starring Rebekkah Brooks with Andy Coulson, with the working title Dirty Wapping Scoundrels).

England Find Secret Weapon

Posted on by
Reply

Those England cricketers who’d had the decency to see out the whole tour received a boost yesterday. Spied amongst the MCG crowd were some of the traveling supporters sporting new {and extremely reasonably priced) garb to cheer on their boys.

“Those shirts definitely made a difference to the way we played to” Said Alastair Cook, a part time estate agent from Rhyl (no relation).

Swanny fvcks off. New T-shirts arrive. England have best day of tour. Coincidence ? You be the judge. Shirts (available in the foyer and from all good stockists.)

photo 1

Swann Upping Stumps

Posted on by
3

Graeme Swann_0With the wit, professionalism & loyalty usually found in Premier League footballers, the timing of an oil tanker and the charm of a panzer division, the once-loved and admired Graeme Swann has quit English cricket, leaving a sorry bunch of former colleagues in the lurch, left to shore-up and salvage what they can from the present disaster that is the Ashes Tour.

“When the going gets tough” — a phrase not remotely applicable here. It has long and often been documented here that the cheeky chappies of the famous English Ashes-winning sides become a less savoury bunch when they aren’t steamrolling the oppo. As Corporal Jones would say “They Don’t Like It Up ‘Em” .

If only he’d had the grace to retire once the tour was over — or preferably before it had begun.

Graeme is survived by the memory of his petulance and the nasty taste in the mouth of his rape “jokes”.

(Appearing soon in a Sky TV commentary booth near you.)

Actually…

Posted on by
1

 Ronnie Biggs 10th September 1963 outside court-1775246

So,

The announcement that Ronnie Biggs and has snuffed it coincides with the BBC’s two-part drama on the Great Train Robbery, beginning tonight.

Nelson Mendela died on the day of the Gala Premiere of the movie of his life.

And I’m just putting the finishing touches to my documentary on the influence which The Pet Shop Boys and The Smiths had on Bono. (Release date to be confirmed.)

PSBSpooky.

Peter Seamus Lorcan O’Toole (2 August 1932 – 15 December 2013)

Posted on by
1

Peter-O'Toole-1962
While filming ‘Lawrence Of Arabia‘, O’Toole organised a date for Omar Sharif with “sex-swap pioneer” April Ashley. When Sharif found out that, um, all was not as it appeared, he chased O’Toole around the house with a meat cleaver.

He once went out for a drink in Paris… and woke up in Corsica.

Drinking buddies... O'Toole and Richard Harris

Drinking buddies… O’Toole and Richard Harris

He also loved climbing. His party piece was drunkenly scrambling up the wall of Lloyd’s Bank in Covent Garden. He used to scale it in his “Sunday shoes”.

While shooting ‘The Lion In Winter’, O’Toole cut off the top of his finger in a boating accident. He popped the finger in some brandy he was drinking, before pushing it back into place and wrapping with a bandage. Three weeks later he took the bandage off, and found he’d put it on the wrong way round, “probably because of the brandy, which I drank,” explained O’Toole.

He went out boozing with Michael Caine when he was O’Toole’s understudy for ‘The Long And The Short And The Tall‘ at the Royal Court Theatre in 1959. The last thing Michael Caine remembered was eating egg and chips, before waking up in a strange flat with a headache. “What time is it?” he inquired. “Never mind what time it is,” said O’Toole. “What f***ing day is it?” Two days had passed and they were due on stage in three hours.

peter-o-toole-and-jeffery-bernard

Jeffrey Bernard (left) with O’Toole, enjoy a glass of lunch

On one epic session with Peter Finch in Ireland, they tried to order drinks at a small bar after closing time. The landlord refused to serve them, so they wrote out a cheque and bought the bar. Thankfully he didn’t cash it, and they ripped it up the following morning.

(drinking stories via yahoo news)