With the wit, professionalism & loyalty usually found in Premier League footballers, the timing of an oil tanker and the charm of a panzer division, the once-loved and admired Graeme Swann has quit English cricket, leaving a sorry bunch of former colleagues in the lurch, left to shore-up and salvage what they can from the present disaster that is the Ashes Tour.

“When the going gets tough” — a phrase not remotely applicable here. It has long and often been documented here that the cheeky chappies of the famous English Ashes-winning sides become a less savoury bunch when they aren’t steamrolling the oppo. As Corporal Jones would say “They Don’t Like It Up ‘Em” .

If only he’d had the grace to retire once the tour was over — or preferably before it had begun.

Graeme is survived by the memory of his petulance and the nasty taste in the mouth of his rape “jokes”.

(Appearing soon in a Sky TV commentary booth near you.)