The Freemantle Doctor Will See You Now.

Posted on December 12, 2013 by The Ed

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“But Grandfather, you have read the London Times. How bad do they say it was?”
“So bad, my boy, that they are even considering recalling Ravi Bopara !”

The Barmy Army watch patiently at an England net session at The Paul Hogan Academy Ground, Perth

After a couple of overs knock-about at the WACA, and having let Mike Atherton study the ball for a while, hopes are high of reverse swing for the English.

Other former MCC captains are drafted in to help improve the morals of the team, but not all seem to be concentrating on cricket.

The Tourists seek clarification of the LBW, using local knowledge

Meanwhile back in the nets, Joe Root tries to unravel the mystery of the Australian non-spinning off break bowling which has winkled out so many. (“WINKLED !!! fnarrr fnarrrr,” squeals young Joe) …

…Stuart Broad strives to perfect his now legendary “Stick the ball down the throat of the only fielder on the boundary” shot. (Apologies for no live footage from Channel 9. So here’s a filer of Stuart developing the shot back at Hogwarts during the 1990s)…

…while Ian Bell treats himself to a haircut before the next battle. Spiffing.

Completely coincidentally, Dr Who (50th Birthday Box set Edition now available from BBC Online) sends a message of support to the traveling Englishmen (other bandwagons are available)…

…and possibly the last man to be transported from the mother country arrives in Oz, and is immediately asked if he fancies opening. He doesn’t. (NB: Fawad Ahmed fielding at 2nd slip, having had his application for English Citizenship accepted).

Root and Tim Bresnan accept a cigarette but, bravely, decline a blindfold, before the last rites are administered on the English batting line-up

Top Weight Triumphs at Longchamp

Posted on October 6, 2013 by The Ed

How the result came in this afternoon…

…what I at first thought I’d heard.

The mind can play odd tricks on you. Still not sure, though, which would have been the more surprising story. (Stomach good-to-soft).

Enough with the Soccer Already

Posted on August 5, 2013 by The Ed

They say that every time an accountant is born, an angel dies. Or something like that. Well I’d like to add to and improve that well-worn phrase. How about “Every time the Football Season starts before the end of the cricket season or most people have taken their summer holidays, a puppy loses its ears”? Ok, it may be not quite as sweet or catchy as the original, but you get my meaning.

Ahhhh….The People’s Game returns

Yes, unbelievably (although someone writes this every year) the cries of “onmeeadsun” and “backdoorbackdoor” could be heard throughout the land this weekend, and not just from the open windows at Catholic Church Boys homes. The minor English divisions took to the field/pitch, whatever they call it on Planet Sky TV this season, and play was resumed as usual. Charlton Athletic lost, as usual, and youngsters in English streets had a kickabout inbetween cars and fell over for no apparent reason, imitating their heroes. Lads in Scotland, who were fortunate enough not to be in the charge of the local priest, played fitba in the park in the style of their own local heroes: ran around in front of three bored (yet aggressive) bigoted onlookers, had no proper goalies and all went into administration afterwards.

And yet up in the Third World, the Manchester Third Test is still grinding to a halt, as is cricket’s wont. There are still two huge matches to come in this current cricket season. There are still 11 days of Aussie whingeing, England cheating and Deaf Dumb & Blind umpiring (Jimmy: Sure Bowls a Mean Short Ball) but you’d get good odds on Roman Abramovich sacking this week’s manager down at Chelski before Alastair Cook has taken his pads off for the winter.

Reculver – Twinned with Syria’s Homs

The Incumbent and I have yet to take ourself away on our our annual family summer trip to Reculver, and yet the pies and bovril are being re-heated at football grounds all over the country and I’ve yet to oil myself up and squeeze my slight frame into the newly-purchased 38″ Union Jack speedos (Matalan, 3 pairs for a fiver!).

I know it’s a plea that will fall on deaf eyes, a request which, like my application to be the new Dr Who, will remain ignored until Gallifrey freezes over, but is there any way that fitba, football, or even soccer can remain a winter pastime, so the rest of us can enjoy uninterrupted coverage of the Test Match series, the Croquet Season and our buckets & spades, at least until late September ?

No, I thought there wasn’t.

The Cricket Umpire, By R.L.Stevenson (wkt)

Posted on August 1, 2013 by The Ed

From the vaults of The Sharp Single we bring you a long-forgotten passage and the original plate from a first edition of Treasure Island where the author describes a cricket match taking place outside the Admiral Benbow Inn.

(This chapter was removed from subsequent editions.)

“He was plainly blind for he tapped before him with a stick, and wore a great green shade over his eyes and nose; and he was hunched, as if with age or weakness, and wore a huge old tattered sea-cloak with a hood, which made him appear positively deformed.

No-one knew his real name, most referring to him simply as ‘Blind Hill’. The reason for his disability had been lost in the mists of time. Some say he copped a short one to the temple on a green-top at Hove, while representing Minor Counties East. Others that a New South Wales seamer poked his eyes out during a Sheffield Shield game when, as the standing umpire, he turned down a plumb LBW.

Nowadays he trudged between the wicket and square leg, refusing to raise his finger, preferring to issue the Black Spot to any poor, unfortunate soul unlucky enough to nick off to the keeper.

Once he received the Black Spot a batsman had a mere 15 seconds to plead for his life. Clemency was infrequently shown”

Have a Go Ya Mug

Posted on July 31, 2013 by The Ed

When I were a lad, fearsome fast bowlers who came over here used to look like this…

or occasionally like this…

They used to have odd actions…

…and even odder facial hair…

…and they always smiled, even (or especially) when they were about to knock your block off…

…and if they couldn’t bowl you out, they’d punch you out…

…(no changes there, then, I suppose ?)…

…but the old bowlers would set fields like this…

…and they were all very scary indeed.

Nowadays, if someone scary turns up to bowl…

…the image men get hold of him and make him look like a nice boy. They don’t scare anybody.

…I mean really ! who’d be scared of these two ?

It wouldn’t have happened back then, they didn’t care about coming across as nice blokes…

…but sometimes nowadays you tend to think that some boards regard the image of their attack bowlers above their substance or ability — like these guys Sidders, Starckers, Patters and Rolfy…

There are always those who tend to go a little over board, of course, even for the marketing men…

SO C’MON, AUSSIE, FOR CHRIST SAKE. LET’S SHOW A BIT OF GRIT. MAKE A GAME OF IT — OR YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE BOUGHT THAT OTHER MITCHELL WITH YOU (STARKERS OR NOT).

HAVE A GO YA MUG !

Spofforth, Scorecards and Sticky Wickets,

Posted on July 26, 2013 by The Ed

John Arlott and Ralph Richardson from 1950. A little gem covering everything you wanted to know about The Ashes and cricket. No, much more than that, madam.

17 mins, 20 secs of pure heaven. Enjoy.

Test Match Special – The Lost Tapes

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Thought for the 4th Day

Posted on July 21, 2013 by The Ed

Yep, Bell should have walked, Broad should have walked. Clarke should have walked , Haddin should have walked— (Root should only walk when he actually does hit it.) Chappelli should have walked, Percy Fender should have walked, Jardine, Woodfull (while he still had his head), WG Grace…. they all should have walked at some stage.

I have seen three or four batsmen walk this summer, some English, some Aussies, —and a lot who haven’t : some Poms, some Aussies. I am off up to HQ later , hopefully to watch an hours tonk-fest by Root etc, then Jimmy and Swanny get amongst the Australian batsmen (sic). Some of them may walk. Some may not. 150 years of bringing up kids in the colonies and teaching them NEVER EVER EVER to walk (attrib: Damien Martin) does have a tendency to come back and bite you up the arse.

Keep an eye out for me: — I’ll be the fat bloke in the crowd, big read head, stupid T-shirt.

Mandela Carries Bat as Assad makes Most of Easy-Paced Pitch.

Posted on July 20, 2013 by The Ed

Another record of sporting History from the vaults of the Sharp Single. Those who witnessed it say it was probably the greatest match ever played in Dartford Park, and that had the park keeper not told them all to “bugger off home” at 6 o’clock, it would have gone down in history as the best game never played. (click to enlarge)

World Exclusive: Hotspot Footage Proves Trott Hit the Ball

Posted on July 12, 2013 by The Ed

The Sharp Single can this morning Exclusively reveal to the world that ~~South Af~~ English batsman Jornathorn Trortt was erroneously given out LBW my ~~neutral~~ South African umpire Marais Piper Erasmus.

Trortt, 32, of KwaZulu Natal, East Sussex, immediately asked for a referral of the decision to Mr Piper, who was in his suite busy examining the footage of earlier completely wrong decision by umpire B.Pew (T.Island) to give out Root Minor of the lower Fourth even though he clearly hadn’t hit the ball, (but was too frightened to say so).

England had already fallen foul of the new ICC “Wonder/Blunkett Method” when 12 year old Australian debutante Ashton Kutcher was given not out when stumped by reluctant-appealer Mat Howwozthatonethen Prior when the batter was closer to the non-striker’s end than his own,having amassed just 10 runs. Mr Kutcher went on to score 98, a world record for a number 11 batsmen who should have been given out two hours ago.

England were understandably furious with the officials. In an display of petulance and defiance, the former bowler Steve Finnish, playing in his last Test for England, bowled 17 consecutive overs at his own toes.

The ICC have apologised to England for the pisspoor decisions made during the day, and offered the whole team free tickets to the final of next year’s IPL (sponsored by Lehman Brothers).

Now The Sharp Single can exclusively bring you the missing Hortsport foortage. If you look very closely, you can just make out the faintest of white marks, as the ball just nicks Hansie Trortt’s bat. You be the jury.

Keith Vaz is expected to make a statement at lunchtime today.

The Sharp Single

All Done

Category Archives: Sport