Remember the Russian “Oh Oh Oh” guy ? The “Lenin and McCarthy” bloke from a previous post ? Well of course you do. Remember thinking that it was possibly the worst music video you’d seen this year ? Well think again…
Vodpod videos no longer available.
I found myself confused over what to make of Ken Clarke’s latest musings on prison reform. When I first heard Ken’s comments about his plans to send fewer offenders to prison and his apparent distancing himself from Cameron’s ‘throw away the key policy’ I thought to myself “Allo??? What’s all this then?? Surely I’m not finding myself in a position where I’m actually agreeing with the suede-shod-segar-smoker???” You can imagine it was quite a worrying time for me – singing from the same song sheet as a Tory Justice Minister.
But I needn’t have worried. This morning I’ve been referred to this piece of footage of prisoners at something called the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center, a maximum security prison in the Philippines, which has led me to believe that we’re not sending enough people to jail.
Just think what good a 6-month stretch of this would do the yobbos of today? They wouldn’t be quite so quick to attack our Heir to the Throne and his good lady wife if they were threatened with a long term of Van McCoy with no chance of parole. I doubt very much if those horrible, hooded, hairy students would daub graffiti over Winston’s statue or bleed all over Sgt Smellie of the Yard if they knew they might possibly be locked up with nothing but formation Radio Gaga to look forward to.
So lock ’em up, I say. NAIL ’em up and see how they like doing the bump with Big H from ‘C’ Wing. That’ll learn ’em.
And tell me that this isn’t more entertaining than anything Simon Cowell and his mob could conjure up ? This lot are certainly going in One Direction, and it’s straight to the communal showers.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
Ah Christmas ! That time of year when you end up drinking with people you don’t like, in bars you don’t like and getting presents you don’t like from people you don’t know. Yes: the office lunch. Secret Fucking Santa.
Is there any more gruesome event than sitting in the back room of some local office pub-ette, around a table with ten people you wouldn’t otherwise share a cup of oxygen with outside of the work environment, sipping gently at your half pint of shandy (you don’t want to give the wrong impression, do you?), resplendent in your paper hat and unwrapping a “gift” bought half an hour ago from the nearest corner shop, wrapped up in haste in the stationary cupboard with an internal envelope and presented to you between the fucking Yule log and the fucking filter coffee as some sort of token of your colleagues’ affection?
You explode into fits of mock laughter and your cheeks turn scarlet as you unwrap the clockwork hopping-and-singing willy. Those gathered burst into fits of laughter and immediately demand to know which “sick bastard” bought that ? Of course no-one owns up – it wouldn’t be called Secret Fucking Santa otherwise, would it ? Strangely, nobody seems to mind owning up to who ordered yet another round of Asti Sodding Spumante to wash down this lovely Yuletide fare.
The only thing on your mind is when would be the very earliest you could decently make your excuses and leave to find a proper pub with proper company with whom to share your Happy Holiday Humour.
Fortunately, the life of a freelancer (yes I’m still calling myself that, flying in the face of all reason) precludes me having to attend such events. Not spending long enough in the office means you rarely get invited out with the staffers, or if you do you can always employ the temp worker’s air of mystery by having to go “meet someone” or “see a man about a dog”. Then you can sod off to whichever dark and dusty boozer you choose til the heat is off and the lunch is over.
Office lunches, at whatever time of year, should be either spent standing at the bar with a few carefully selected chums or , at worst, at your desk munching on a Pret-a-Manger All Day Breakfast sarnie while catching up with emails or reading the sports pages.
Oh did I say ? Happy Christmas everyone.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
Sydney Morning Herald, http://www.smh.com.au, Dec 7th 2010
England’s thumping of Australia in the second Ashes Test nearly sparked a different type of thumping between veteran cricket rivals Ian Botham and Ian Chappell in Adelaide.
The English knight and the Aussie had to be dragged apart after reportedly clashing in the Adelaide Oval car park.
The two men, who are said not to have spoken to each other since 1980 despite being regular cricket commentators at the same events, squared up as Botham waited to be picked to go to the airport, Britain’s Daily Mail reported.
Chappell, from Channel Nine, “muttered something highly provocative as he went past”, reported the paper, and Botham, from Sky, snapped: “What did you say?”
They dropped their bags and “went for each other” before being separated by their colleagues from Channel Nine and Sky.
“It could have got very nasty if there hadn’t been people on hand to keep them apart,” a Channel Nine source was reported as telling the Mail.
“They reacted quickly because we all know the history between these two. They might be aged 55 and 67, but neither of them are the type of people to give an inch in the face of conflict.”
Vaguely similar to The Sharp Single’s “It is Written” Dec 30 2009:
Brisbane…
Ian Botham arrested pending inquiries into an alleged incident in the bar afterwards which leaves 6 members of the Aussie press corps needing treatment. Four (empty) cases of Shiraz and a cricket stump are bagged and sent to forenics.
Leslie Nielson. Silly sod.
“The reason they call it ‘golf’ is that all the other 4 letter words were used up.”
“You’re excited? You should feel my nipples.”
“She had a full set of curves, and the kind of legs you’d like to suck on for a day.”
“I like my sex the way I play basketball, one-on-one with as little dribbling as possible.”
“Like a midget at a urinal, I was gonna have to stay on my toes.”
“That’s right isn’t it? Signal yes by shooting yourself in the head three times.”
“The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn’t have fish for dinner.”
“I’ll deal with that later. Right now I want to find out what happens to the duck.”
“No, crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering ‘I’m a hamster, I’m a hamster.'”
“All I know is never bet on the white guy.”
“I’ve been like a father to you! I raised you, just like your father did! I believed in you, just like your father did! I slept with your mother, just like your father did.”
Thanks go to Mrs Hunter of SE23 for pointing me in the direction of this little gem.
bbc.co.uk
3 December 2010
A woman who dialled 999 to report the theft of a snowman from outside her home has been branded “completely irresponsible” by Kent Police.
The force said the woman, from Chatham, thought the incident required their involvement because she used pound coins for eyes and teaspoons for arms. During the call the woman said: “It ain’t a nice road but you don’t expect someone to nick your snowman.”
(click on the pic to go to the bbc page and listen to the call)
Kent Police said officers had given her advice on real 999 emergencies. The force said the call was made at the same time as operators fielded thousands of other phone calls about the heavy snowfall and sub-zero temperatures in the county.
During the conversation she said: “There’s been a theft from outside my house.
“I haven’t been out to check on him for five hours but I went outside for a fag and he’s gone.”
When she was asked who had gone, the woman replied: “My snowman. I thought that with it being icy and there not being anybody about, he’d be safe.”
She was then asked whether it was an ornament, and answered: “No, a snowman made of snow, I made him myself.”
“It ain’t a nice road but at the end of the day, you don’t expect someone to nick your snowman, you know what I mean?”
The operator then told her she had rung an emergency line and she should not be calling it to report the theft of a snowman. Ch Insp Simon Black said: “This call could have cost someone’s life if there was a genuine emergency and they couldn’t get through.
“It was completely irresponsible. We have spoken to her and advised her what is a 999 call, and this clearly was not.”
The Sharp Single 