Leslie Nielson. Silly sod.

“The reason they call it ‘golf’ is that all the other 4 letter words were used up.”

“You’re excited? You should feel my nipples.”

“She had a full set of curves, and the kind of legs you’d like to suck on for a day.”

“I like my sex the way I play basketball, one-on-one with as little dribbling as possible.”

“Like a midget at a urinal, I was gonna have to stay on my toes.”

“That’s right isn’t it? Signal yes by shooting yourself in the head three times.”

“The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn’t have fish for dinner.”

“I’ll deal with that later. Right now I want to find out what happens to the duck.”

“No, crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering ‘I’m a hamster, I’m a hamster.'”

“All I know is never bet on the white guy.”

“I’ve been like a father to you! I raised you, just like your father did! I believed in you, just like your father did! I slept with your mother, just like your father did.”

Crowd Trouble

I was always a big fan of Ann Margret. Who wasn’t ? Many long, happy hours growing up were spent admiring her undoubted talents in movies like The Cincinnati Kid, Viva Las Vegas and Carnal Knowledge. I once had on a loop the scene from Tommy when she swims around in baked beans. Movie magic. This woman had everything: she was beautiful, fit as a butcher’s dog, had the stars of Hollywood and Rock n Roll drooling after her, and was the pin-up of boys and men the world over.

But I wonder, when she was jumping up and down with (and on) Elvis Presley, sipping champers at the top table, or removing Heinz 57 from her navel, if this Swedish sex-kitten ever dreamt she would end up performing on stage with dreadful jock-popsters The Bay City Rollers. Her career was clearly on the slide and she must have thought things couldn’t have gotten any worse.

Then she saw the audience.