I found myself confused over what to make of Ken Clarke’s latest musings on prison reform. When I first heard Ken’s comments about his plans to send fewer offenders to prison and his apparent distancing himself from Cameron’s ‘throw away the key policy’ I thought to myself “Allo??? What’s all this then?? Surely I’m not finding myself in a position where I’m actually agreeing with the suede-shod-segar-smoker???” You can imagine it was quite a worrying time for me – singing from the same song sheet as a Tory Justice Minister.

But I needn’t have worried. This morning I’ve been referred to this piece of footage of prisoners at something called the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center, a maximum security prison in the Philippines, which has led me to believe that we’re not sending enough people to jail.

Just think what good a 6-month stretch of this would do the yobbos of today? They wouldn’t be quite so quick to attack our Heir to the Throne and his good lady wife if they were threatened with a long term of Van McCoy with no chance of parole. I doubt very much if those horrible, hooded, hairy students would daub graffiti over Winston’s statue or bleed all over Sgt Smellie of the Yard if they knew they might possibly be locked up with nothing but formation Radio Gaga to look forward to.

So lock ’em up, I say. NAIL ’em up and see how they like doing the bump with Big H from ‘C’ Wing. That’ll learn ’em.

And tell me that this isn’t more entertaining than anything Simon Cowell and his mob could conjure up ? This lot are certainly going in One Direction, and it’s straight to the communal showers.