There’s Only Me in Team.

Get yourself a comfy spot on the sofa in plain view of the Telly and:

Simply print out this sheet and play the game that’s the talk of the town. Why not spend then next three days listening to Colin Montgomery talk about himself while he’s supposed to be commentating on the 2012 Ryder Cup for Sky TV? Get yourself a pen and cross off each word or phrase every time Monty utters one of them (you won’t have long to wait, I promise).

Once you’ve crossed off all the boxes, jump to your feet and shout “Shut up you dull Scotch Fucker !” and, who knows, you could be on your way to our terrific star prize: An hour in a lift with Nigel Mansell and Gavin Hastings. 2nd Prize is a weekend with Sir Nick Faldo and Bernard Gallacher at the Mullett Hatchery, Penge.

Please Gamble Responsibly and Drink Heavily when Asked or Offered.