There’s Only Me in Team.


Get yourself a comfy spot on the sofa in plain view of the Telly and:

Simply print out this sheet and play the game that’s the talk of the town. Why not spend then next three days listening to Colin Montgomery talk about himself while he’s supposed to be commentating on the 2012 Ryder Cup for Sky TV? Get yourself a pen and cross off each word or phrase every time Monty utters one of them (you won’t have long to wait, I promise).

Once you’ve crossed off all the boxes, jump to your feet and shout “Shut up you dull Scotch Fucker !” and, who knows, you could be on your way to our terrific star prize: An hour in a lift with Nigel Mansell and Gavin Hastings. 2nd Prize is a weekend with Sir Nick Faldo and Bernard Gallacher at the Mullett Hatchery, Penge.

Please Gamble Responsibly and Drink Heavily when Asked or Offered.

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All Shall Sleep


I knew I had it somewhere. Took me ages to dig it our but I found my scorecard for the World’s Most Boring Arse competition held in Essex (where else ?) in March.

While there’s a dearth of sporting action to enjoy I thought I’d share it with you. I even remembered to jot down the scores for you. BBC Olympic Coverage ?  Ha!!

Apparently, Seb Coe had to pull out at the last minute, on the basis that he actually gave an interesting press conference earlier on in the year. Factually incorrect, but interesting nevertheless. This gave first reserve, the former head of Liverpool Council, Derek Hatton, the chance to compete in the world championships once again, over 20 years after he’d been barred for “excessive use of boredom”. A good result over fellow leftie mogadon and self-publicist, Paul Boateng, Hatton succumbed to the mastery of Colin Montgomery (“The White Pele”).

The real Pele suffered all competition from jet-lag, and at one stage almost put himself to sleep, before recovering consciousness to edge out rugby leg-end Gavin Hastings. But that didn’t dent the Scottish drive for glory. Backing up Montgomery was Sir Chris “The Flying Lullaby”  Hoy. Caledonia, world leaders in dullness, have enjoyed great success over the years at the Championships – winning it for the last 73 years – and with Monty and Hoy spearheading the attack, who would bet against them winning again ? Not me, that’s for sure. The early retirement of Gavin’s brother Scott, and the near-fatal narcolepsy of Sir Jackie Stewart doesn’t seem to have affected the bluntness of their armoury.

Disappointing tournaments Claire Balding (who looked confused to see Colin Montgomery in the same room) and John Lydon*, who just looked confused.

Deborah Meaden had to be destroyed after the first round.

*Johnny Rotten disqualified for not trying to be boring enough. Eubank goes through on review.

**The Winner received a Postal Order for £17.50, and a guest spot on Countdown.