Ah they don’t write maps like this any more. This song launched Frankie Vaughn’s career. Or ended it. One of the two. He followed up this little masterpiece with “My Kind of Town, St Albans Is“, and the unforgettable “New Cross, So Good they Named it Once“.
Enjoy.
Australia scored a huge moral victory today when the world’s media decided, as one, that the England Cricket Team were batting too slowly. In a test match. Newspapers and media commentators from both ends of the globe were united in their damning of English tactics in the Fifth and final Test at The Oval.
Down under, Ockers in bars across the colony— from Wagga all the way to Wagga—could be heard to whine in celebratory unison at the attack on the English decision (on the season’s slowest pitch) not to lose the match and consolidate their 3-0 lead. The Aussie team, led by skipper Michael ‘Bloody’ Clarke, and in lieu of bowling the opposition out, opted for calling Pietersen nasty names and bowling the ball to 2nd slip (presumably as some sort or Homage d’Harmison). This enormous vote of disapproval at the speed of the English batsmen means the scoreline in the series has now changed to …er…3-0 to England.
Not since a girl called Mary was followed about everywhere she went by her companion with a fleece as white as snow has there been such constant bleating for so long. Much has been made about the plummeting of Australia down the Test Match Rankings, but the ACB will be proud of the fact that their fans have reached the top of the Whinging Fans Table, removing French Rugby Supporters from the top of the “Whole World’s Against Us Championship” (Sponsored by Brains Beer).
But this is no fluke, no flash in the pan. It has been worked on all summer, ever since the Aussie Tourists lost to Roedean Girls School by an innings and 74 runs on a slow turner in May. While the Strines‘ Upper, Upper Middle and Lower Middle batting order practised batting collapses, the fans were drawing up a war chest of moans, complaints and whines to be gradually introduced to and shot at the English public throughout the season.
And how they’ve fired them off:
The Umpires are too foreign; DRS is too unreliable; The grounds are too small (they can’t get tickets to the matches so they can moan about the English); The pitches are too dry; it only rains when we’re winning ; Stuart Broad is a Cheat; Root provoked the Punch (and he’s a cheat); they’re batting too slow; the commentators are too posh/biased/insulting/use long words; The grass is too green (ok, I made that last one up—but only that one) . etc etc etc.
The ICC are investigating claims by the BCCI, the ruling body of Indian Cricket, that they have the monopoly on Sore Losing, and that the Aussies are in danger or breaching their copyright on it.
The MCC have made a formal apology to Australia and indeed the whole of the Commonwealth and given an undertaking that they won’t try to save a cricket match again, or ensure that they don’t give the opposition a sniff. Rather they will play dashing, exciting cricket, giving no heed to throwing away the contest. It is believed the have contacted Mickey Arthur with a view to a possible advisory role.
In a totally unrelated incident, Police have discovered a small heard of sheep in a bar in Brisbane. The animals have remained undetected in the Inn for six weeks, mingling with the local sports fans. They were only given away when one of their member got into a fight with a group of cricket fans when he asked them to keep the bleating down.
Malcolm Conn is 108
Lord Justice Leveson was this afternoon yet again made to look a bumbling buffoon as photographs emerged in certain sections of the press clearly showing the Coalition Cabinet clearly enjoying each other’s company during their group knees-up and beano in Reculver, a beautiful and exclusive resort on the Kentish Riviera.
These photographs are so disgraceful, we thought it our duty to bring at least one of them to our reader’s [correct] attention.
Keith Vaz is 63.
From the vaults of The Sharp Single we bring you a long-forgotten passage and the original plate from a first edition of Treasure Island where the author describes a cricket match taking place outside the Admiral Benbow Inn.
(This chapter was removed from subsequent editions.)
“He was plainly blind for he tapped before him with a stick, and wore a great green shade over his eyes and nose; and he was hunched, as if with age or weakness, and wore a huge old tattered sea-cloak with a hood, which made him appear positively deformed.
No-one knew his real name, most referring to him simply as ‘Blind Hill’. The reason for his disability had been lost in the mists of time. Some say he copped a short one to the temple on a green-top at Hove, while representing Minor Counties East. Others that a New South Wales seamer poked his eyes out during a Sheffield Shield game when, as the standing umpire, he turned down a plumb LBW.
Nowadays he trudged between the wicket and square leg, refusing to raise his finger, preferring to issue the Black Spot to any poor, unfortunate soul unlucky enough to nick off to the keeper.
Once he received the Black Spot a batsman had a mere 15 seconds to plead for his life. Clemency was infrequently shown”
This just in from our Land of the Shiny Suit Correspondent…
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 1.8 on the
Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of this morning with its
epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly,
muttering “Faaackinell”.
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros
arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident – Tracy
Sharon Smith, a 17-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my
little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My
youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I
was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the
next morning.”
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery
from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Stella and Diamond White.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in
raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut…
“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked,
“Romford” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”
So farewell then, Mel Smith. Comedian, actor and director. One half of Alas Smith & Jomes & one quarter of the Not the Nine O’Clock News team.
He once had a friend who thought he might be stout.
He was often wild. Now I bet he’s absolutely livid.
But here’s my favourite character of his, from the brilliant The Princess Bride
The Sharp Single 
