This just in from our Land of the Shiny Suit Correspondent…

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 1.8 on the
Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of this morning with its
epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly,
muttering “Faaackinell”.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros
arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident – Tracy
Sharon Smith, a 17-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my
little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My
youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I
was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the
next morning.”

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery
from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Stella and Diamond White.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in
raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut…
“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked,
“Romford” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”