Sorry for the delay. I’ll be with you just as soon as I get out of this duffle bag I padlocked myself into. Am typing this post with one finger pushed through a hole in the zip. What do you mean it’s impossible to padlock yourself inside a duffle bag ?? Do you know nothing ? Everyone’s doing it ! Especially us alleged “sexual deviants”. Just ask the lads over at the Secret Service. Or rather don’t bother. They won’t tell you anything, apart from revealing my whole back story, and trash my character. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they immediately tell you enjoyed sordid sex, so you won’t care what happened to me. They’ll tell you everything I got up to, but nothing they did.  It’s a secret.

(this post has been vetted by the security services to ensure it contains wholly and exclusively 100% bollocks)

Bag of Bollocks