Category Archives: Shopping

Tomorrow belongs to the BNP

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How am I expected to keep up with all this? Truth is, I just can’t. Andrew MacKay and Julie Kirkbride, Elliot Morley and John Maples etc etc etc: You win. I shall revert to rants about cricket and rugby and booze and the police and shopping and gardening. Anything really other than MPs’ expense claims. You lot are much funnier than me on this anyway. The only thing that won’t be funny is that people are going to be so off-pissed with the major parties that the rascists and the loonies will gain ground at the ballot box next time round. You fraudsters and scheisters should hang your heads. And I’m sure they’ll be lots more like you along any minute.

I was once hauled up in front of the beak—a particularly nasty, petty editor— who questioned my claim for a lunch with a friend on another publication who’d helped me/us on a really big story. He’d passed me phone numbers and details without which we couldn’t keep up with the then breaking news. Partly because of his help we looked sensational when we published. I took him out one afternoon and I treated him to a curry and a pint in a local restaurant. The bill came to 70 quid, 35 of which was treating myself (I wasn’t gonna let him eat alone).
An ex-colleague once tried to claim for mileage of 40 miles for a round-trip from Canary Wharf to The Millennium Tent in Greenwich. I wondered if he’d gone via Heathrow? Claim refused. Another ex-colleague tried to put her weekly visit to the hairdressers on expenses. Her ruse was discovered and she was shown the door. I’ve been using my own camera for and at work for 6 years now as I was refused funds to claim the cost of buying it, even though my job requires one. (Guess what’s coming out the door with me when I leave?). That’s ok—it’s dead money, but I was miffed at the time. There are always swings and roundabouts in the whacky world of expenses. All trades and professions deal with this. Some we win, some we lose.
Point is, even those jolly journos who are masters of the Dark Arts of dodgy expense forms, the Shakespeares of the blank-receipt have been left open-mouthed at the scale and brazenness of the Commons’ Claims Chronicles. They’ve been out-Shakespeared and want their pound of flesh. Well they’re getting it now, by the moat-load. But if you listen very carefully you’ll hear the unmistakable sound of the BNP and UKIP Nazis marching in tight formation into Brussels and towards a council chamber near you as the undecided are conned by their rhetoric. Not so funny any more, is it?

“I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Peter Finch—Network

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Rogue Traders

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DoorbellHeader
The doorbell rang the other day. So I put my trousers on and opened the door.
“Mr Bealing?” asked the lad in an ill-fitting black suit.
“I’ve been called worse, yes”
“Marks and Spencer”
“That’s a big name for a little boy. Is it hyphenated?”
“You bought a shirt from us last month”
“Er..yes, correct”
“You haven’t told us what you thought of it. Nor of our service”
“Come again?”
“You haven’t come back to the shop to tell us how you found our service or how you liked the shirt”
“I’m sorry, you’ve lost me. You want me to do what?”
“You’re supposed to come back and tell us what your shopping experience with M&S was like”
“It was a white shirt. I wear a lot of em. For work. I went into the shop, went to the white shirt section, chose my size and went and paid for it. Didn’t try it on—it was wrapped. I knew what it was gonna be like cos I have another six at home. What do you want me to say?”
“Can you rate us?”
(I’m starting to get a little peeved now.) “What??”
“You need to come in and rate us—from one to five stars”
“You’re joking?”
“And leave a small comment”
“Ok, here’s a small comment: Fuck off”
“Sorry, sir, but you do. It’s very important for our future trade if customers know what you thought of us”
“Well ok, sonny, on the basis of this little conversation let’s go up there now cos I’m gonna write ‘A pain in the arse’ and give you a rating of minus one”
“Ah no, sir, you can’t do that.”
“But that’s how I feel right now”
“But you mustn’t put bad ratings or comments because that will reflect badly on the company”
“Ok, let’s skip it then, goodbye”

M&S Ultimate Non-Iron Pure Cotton Plain Long Sleeve Shirt (£25.00)

M&S Ultimate Non-Iron Pure Cotton Plain Long Sleeve Shirt (£25.00)


I went to slam the door, but his Autograph Leather Slip-on Gusset Apron Loafers (£45.00) were across the threshold.
“Owwwwww! Bloody hell sir, there’s no need for that”
“I’m sorry, but get your foot out of my door.”
“But you HAVE to rate our store, Mr Bealing, you just must”
“But you only want me to rate it if I give it a positive mark?”
“Yes, sir”
“What about an average score”
“No, that looks bad too”
“Ok, at the risk of repeating myself, Fuck Off”
“Well what about the chicken breasts and the tomatoes you bought at the weekend? I need a mark for those too”
“Sigh. And what if I don’t want to?”
“We’ll just keep coming back and asking you to til you do”
“I shall ignore the doorbell”
“Then you’ll go on the list of ‘bad shoppers’ which we post in all our stores. Now will you mark us please?”
I left my mark by kneeing him in the crotch of his Performance Stormwear™ Wool with Lycra® Single Breasted 3 Button Black Suit (£149.00) and watched him crawling about my lawn, presumably looking for a testicle, as I finally closed my door.

I may have made some of this up. None of us would stand for being hounded and bullied by shops in this way, would we? So why do we allow Ebay and Amazon get away with it?