Tag Archives: funny

All Shall Sleep

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I knew I had it somewhere. Took me ages to dig it our but I found my scorecard for the World’s Most Boring Arse competition held in Essex (where else ?) in March.

While there’s a dearth of sporting action to enjoy I thought I’d share it with you. I even remembered to jot down the scores for you. BBC Olympic Coverage ?  Ha!!

Apparently, Seb Coe had to pull out at the last minute, on the basis that he actually gave an interesting press conference earlier on in the year. Factually incorrect, but interesting nevertheless. This gave first reserve, the former head of Liverpool Council, Derek Hatton, the chance to compete in the world championships once again, over 20 years after he’d been barred for “excessive use of boredom”. A good result over fellow leftie mogadon and self-publicist, Paul Boateng, Hatton succumbed to the mastery of Colin Montgomery (“The White Pele”).

The real Pele suffered all competition from jet-lag, and at one stage almost put himself to sleep, before recovering consciousness to edge out rugby leg-end Gavin Hastings. But that didn’t dent the Scottish drive for glory. Backing up Montgomery was Sir Chris “The Flying Lullaby”  Hoy. Caledonia, world leaders in dullness, have enjoyed great success over the years at the Championships – winning it for the last 73 years – and with Monty and Hoy spearheading the attack, who would bet against them winning again ? Not me, that’s for sure. The early retirement of Gavin’s brother Scott, and the near-fatal narcolepsy of Sir Jackie Stewart doesn’t seem to have affected the bluntness of their armoury.

Disappointing tournaments Claire Balding (who looked confused to see Colin Montgomery in the same room) and John Lydon*, who just looked confused.

Deborah Meaden had to be destroyed after the first round.

*Johnny Rotten disqualified for not trying to be boring enough. Eubank goes through on review.

**The Winner received a Postal Order for £17.50, and a guest spot on Countdown.

Fruits de Mer and Eat It

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Doctors in the UK are warning that a bad or enormous diet, a dependency on alcohol and a lack of exercise could be as bad for you as smoking.

Research carried out at the University of Thamesmead has shown that a lack of enthusiasm towards useful activity or employment can lead to persons becoming lethargic and anally retentive which can often develop into obsessions, especially with food and eating.

Dr R.Sleeka of the Tervis Project, a government-backed think-tank primarily concerned with the effects of a huge diet on the human body says “These food obsessions can become all-encompassing, with the victim unable to perform simple daily tasks or duties without either cooking, eating or, usually, both.

This obviously has a detrimental effect on a person’s body, weight and, ultimately, their health.

The UK is cooperating with several EU countries in the search for a cure for this syndrome, known as Robertsia a most crippling, if amusing of conditions.”

In France, for example, some sufferers are encouraged to build a barn or destroy an outbuilding every time they feel like a snack.

As an additional weight-loss initiative they are encouraged to swim, often for metres at a time, spending minutes immersed until they are judged to be a danger to shipping.

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

If you have been effected by the issues in this blog, please call 0800 400700 and ask for a Grand Mac et Frites. Oh and get one for Trev, would you ?

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