Clement Atlee, Henry Cooper


The only time those two names will ever follow each other in a sentence.

Here’s another chance to hear the best bit of sports commentary ever, For those very few of you who haven’t heard this, treat yourself to a listen of a speech by Bjørge Lillelien, a commentator for the Norwegian Broadcasting Corporation. His boys (the Norwegian football team) had just beaten the ‘mighty’ England in a world cup match in 1981. Purists will note that, since then, no-one in the world is remotely surprised when any team at any sport beats the mighty England team at any port whatsoever. And never will again.

But at the time our Bjørge got a little excited.

…and now back to you in the studio.

Cover Me, I’m Going In.


Driving along the other day, I was listening to one of those shows which cover the old charts. The Top 20 of 1968, ’78, and ’88 – you know the sort of thing. These crop up, usually on old gits channels – like BBC Radio 2,  Smooth FM, or Magic. Not the sort of thing the under 30s listen to, but then again, no-one under 30 reads this, so who gives a monkeys? Back in the slagheaps of my youth, these were the sort of shows hosted by Ed “Stewpot” Stewart, Tony “Smug and Annoying” Blackburn or, of course Jimmy “Dodgy Bastard implicated  in child abuse, and protection rackets now inexplicably a National Treasure” Savile. He’s gone now, bless him, to jingle-jangle his way around the childrens’ wards of the afterlife. Owsaboutthatthen?

But that’s another story.

One of the chosen highlights of the 1978 chart was the lamentably unforgettable Arthur Mullard and Hylda Baker‘s cringe-worthy version of You’re the One that I Want, originally from Grease and sung by Elton John and Vincent Vega. We’d have never have thought there was a worse version than the original. Hilda and Arthur proved us wrong.

It led my mind to wander down many avenues and alleyways: Was Arthur the worst actor this country has produced ? Probably, (though it was a title cruelly taken from him by Mr and Mrs Law of Lewisham, south London, when they gave birth to their son Jude); should Hylda have been in the film instead of Stockard Channing ? She would have boosted the sex appeal of the movie; And of all the songs the radio station could have chosen to highlight from the top 20 of 1978, why did they decided to choose that one?

Having said that, I’ve always taken an interest in cover versions and the thought behind them. Whoever thought that it’s be a good idea for Bauhaus to cover David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust needs both their head and ears testing, as it is basically the same song, just a different sticker on the vinyl (as it was back then).

A lot depends on the listener. When I was a kid I thought Blondie‘s “Denis Denis” was a wonderfully odd new number, until I discovered the original “Denise” by the beautifully named Randy and the Rainbows. I know kids that think Rolf Harris wrote Stairway to Heaven (even though it’s nowhere near the classic that is Jake the Peg) and got very upset when I played them the original. Come to think of it, I get upset when I hear it too, overrated shite that it is.

I have little time for The Wurzels, but their version of Don’t Look back in Anger has me in stitches every time it’s played. I only wish I see the look of disgust in the pretentious, slap-inducing faces of the John Lennon impersonators who wrote the ‘original’ when they hear it. I use the word ‘original’ under caution. I wait patiently for The Wurzels’ cover of anything by Morrissey. I can die in peace then.

I could go on. The Fugees version of “Killing Me Softly” stands up very well indeed against the Roberta Flack original, whereas Whitney Houston singing George Benson’s “Greatest Love of All” sounds like someone trying to machete to death a wounded ferret. It seems to these old ears that less and less of this sort of thing goes on. I often hear about sampling, rather than covering. I don’t know where one ends and another begins. I do know that “taking a sample” means something completely different now than it did to me when I was a kid. In the same way that whereas today Loverdose is a perfume, in my day it wasn’t something to give to your girlfriend, if you could possible help it.

So there you have it (for today at least). One man’s poison is another man’s Robert Plant classic is another man’s Rolf Glastonbury Anthem. One person’s sweet scent is another’s Loverdose. Ball or Aerosol ?

A Top Man


At the risk of seeming like the Telegraph’s Obit Dept, I present this piece by David Williams on photographer and friend Steve Bent. Dunno about you, but I’m getting a little tired of all the good guys leaving us all of a sudden. You’d have liked Benty, a great snapper, great company and silly sod. Anyway, maybe it’s all a part of getting old – your friends keep leaving you all of a sudden- but I don’t like it.

After a battle against illness, Steve died on Christmas Day, aged 53. Give yourself a little time to read and enjoy this: one mate of mine writing about another.

Steve Bent was among the most admired, respected and loved photographers in Fleet Street. His devoted compassion for his cameras’ subjects – be they victims of war, mutation, famine, disease or simple mindless cruelty – knew no bounds.

He had a journalistic mind so sharp, says his great friend and colleague Richard Holliday, that it was as if he slept in the proverbial knife drawer every night.

Occasionally, he could be taken by surprise. Arriving in war-torn Beirut for the first time with fellow snapper Tom Stoddart and Mail on Sunday hack Holliday, the trio were cornered in a bar by Lebanese freelance photographer Lena Kara.

“What’s happening?” asked an alarmed Steve. Kara blew him a kiss and said “I’m taking your pictures so that when they kidnap you or execute you I can make lots of money from London.”

Together they did – as a trio – four trips to Beirut, which is where Steve met his beautiful wife-to-be, Reuters journalist Hala Jaber, married her and brought her back to London, where she has won a host of foreign correspondent awards on the Sunday Times.

One memory Stoddart and Holliday have of Beirut is of the mad Mancunian Bent dragging them up to the top floor of a shelled apartment block. The blown-out window of that block was connected to the adjacent building by a rotting plank of wood. Bent was halfway across. Stoddart and Holliday looked at each other and shook their heads. Stoddart – who’d worked with Bent at John Pick’s York agency – enquired, as only Geordies can (when they’re being soft), “Are you being a twat, pet?”

On the second tour of Beirut, the three attempted to smuggle themselves into a Palestinian refugee camp where the aptly-named British surgeon Dr Pauline Cutting was working around the clock in atrocious conditions. Sporting t-shirts with ‘British press – don’t shoot’ in English and Arabic on front and back, Bent was enraged when a shot rang out. “Can’t you f***ing read?” he bellowed. There was no reply.

Later, during the Balkan War, Bent and Holliday were attached to the Armija Bosnia-Herzegovenia, camped in tents on the summit of Mount Igman, one of the venues for the 1984 Winter Olympics. It was a classic Hammer Horror moment when, encased in sleeping bags in a tiny ridge tent during a Transylvanian storm, Bent hissed at his colleague, “Don’t move quickly, but there’s a giant rat nibbling at my b***ocks. You’ve got the torch – deal with it, mate!” Holliday switched on the light to focus on a tiny kitten pawing Bent’s groin.

It had been in a graveyard overlooking Sarajevo that Bent had handed the Daily Mail’s David Williams four plastic film containers, pressing them into his hand with the warning “guard these with your life, Willy…”
Dutifully, he hid them in three different parts of their Lada Niva they were using.  The fourth was gaffer-taped under the arm of Jano, the fixer, at Steve’s suggestion.
That night in near darkness back at the Holiday Inn, he began to develop his films and took back the containers, placing each side by side on the wooden table beside the bed.  Two he opened, taking out the precious film that would later make a spread for the Mail on Sunday.
He then threw the one with gaffer-tape at Williams  with the words “that’s for you”, his eyes dancing mischievously. They opened the containers at the same time, inside were two miniatures of brandy.  He simply raised an eyebrow and drank.  “The armpit kept it at the right temperature,” Steve explained.

It was typical of Bent’s generosity and sense of humour which stayed with him to the end although happily his favourite trick of twisting a man’s nipples and then pulling out a chest hair, pretending to add it to his head stopped several years ago.

These were just a few of the many stories about Bent repeated by friends in the days since his sad, premature, dignified death from cancer at the age of 53 on Christmas Day at his South London, home.

For a man who so loved to travel in his professional life, he was desperately difficult to move when back home in UK refusing to budge from what became known to Benty’s friends as the “Club House” – the locals where he could always be found.

In Maida Vale, it was the Warwick Castle (when he left for what he used to term the “Badlands” south of the Thames, he took the pub sign with him – it still hangs in the garden), in Fleet Street, The Harrow and for more than a decade in Clapham, the Tim Bobbin or the Rose and Crown.  It was not Hala or friends who could occasionally make Steve vary venues but only a change of brand of lager by a foolish landlord.

Those years of selfless saloon bar research paid dividends, bemused but grateful colleagues recall, when despite the Shock and Awe over Baghdad, Steve was uniquely always able to find beer and, even more impressively, a constant supply of good French wine.
It was in the basement of Baghdad’s hotels that Steve became known as ‘Stirred, never shaken’ after revealing his hand at mixing a mean Martini, playing host to colleagues entertained by Sinatra tunes.

It had been in Maida Vale’s Elgin Avenue that Steve had first found shelter on arrival in London early in the 1980s, sharing a one bedroomed flat with his colleague David O’Neill.  It became known as the “Pig Pen”, Benty’s bed a mattress on the flood among his clutter, the sofa propped-up by bricks.

When in 2004 he had been smuggled into the besieged city of Falluja to cover the American offensive – his blond hair and moustache were died dark brown and he wore traditional dishdasha robes – he mused it had been the years in the squalor of Elgin Avenue that had prepared him for the journey among the rubbish concealed in the boot of the car travelling through Al Qaeda and fundamentalist controlled frontlines.

His infamous negative library had begun in Elgin Avenue … compromising photos of friends and colleagues on the town or ‘at play’ on jobs which he would ‘ping’ by email years later into the inbox of an unsuspecting mate with a message saying ‘how much ?’ or ‘mmmm’.  One he particularly enjoyed was of an attractive young reporter, who rose to fame as a TV anchor.  In West Africa, he had taken a picture of a monkey passionately clutching her leg at the precise moment of the animal’s over-excitement.  Whether her expletives were directed at Bent or the monkey are unclear.

On another trip – to Algeria to cover a terrorist plane hijack – Bent was checking in for his Swissair flight home via Zurich. When the check-in clerk demanded to know if he could prove he hadn’t bought his state-of-the-art photo transmitter in a back-street market in Algiers, Bent finally lost his cool and demanded the man fetch his superior. Once the wretched clerk was out of sight, Bent reached across the desk, tacked a Swissair flight tag to the transmitter, pressed the button and off it happily went, bound for the aircraft.

When the clerk returned with his supervisor to demand where ‘the thing’ had gone, Bent turned in all innocence to the supervisor and said “I really have no idea what this idiot is talking about”.

Later – and still riled after they had boarded the plane – Bent and Holliday were thrilled to be joined at the last moment by a noisy pompous German in the row immediately ahead. Turning to them, he demanded “Please put out those cigarettes. Smoke upsets me.” Bent pointed out that the man was seated in the smoking section of the plane. The German replied he had arrived late at the airport and “I had no choice, I had no choice.” “Mmmm, bit like Poland in 1939 then”, came the killer put-down from Steve.
Bent had always wanted to work in Fleet Street and enjoyed telling a story about how, as an ambitious but inexperienced young man, he once “door-stepped”  his hero, the award winning photographer Don McCullin, and asked for advice. McCullin told Bent to aim for the big stories, and to remember that the biggest stories were often in hard to reach places.

Steve followed that advice, spending five months in Afghanistan following the Soviet invasion and then smuggling himself into the Polish shipyards in the back of a lorry – he would later joke he had pioneered the asylum seeker trail – to bring back pictures that brought him to the notice of the Mail on Sunday where he became one of their first staff photographers.

It was an environment, an adventure in which Bent thrived.  What he termed ‘boutique trips’ to cities like New York or Paris would be turned down for the world’s trouble spots.  It was there that he thrived producing three decades of outstanding images, building lasting contacts and being at the heart of campaigns that raised huge sums for the subjects of his photographs.

He was especially proud of his early work in Ethiopia where his pictures of the famine, and in particular suffering of children, set the mark for his work in future years.

For many, many months in Iraq, he and Hala braved the huge dangers – and obvious hardships – to bring an untold story to the world.  As with many top photographers, his news sense was as good as most reporters and his judgement of a situation better than most.  His calming influence and protective presence allowed Hala to work at her brilliant best.

Inevitably, their work and contacts made enemies too and they became the targets.  On one occasion, they received a reliable tip they were about to be kidnapped, tortured and executed and Bent with his contacts built among former UK military now working in security orchestrated their escape, first along what at the time was the most dangerous drive in the world to Baghdad airport and then on to the plane.

An email marked “Urgent…for your eyes only” had alerted Williams to their plight.  It read : “fyi dave we have to move asap – Hala’s phone is working –

Don’t worry we are in safe hands.  Will ring asap…”  That night Steve called from a secure compound in the Iraqi capital.  Williams asked : “Are you OK ?”  There was a long silence, “No,” said Steve, pausing again to build-up the tension “….there’s no alcohol in the beer.”
The pair made their last trip to Baghdad in 2009 where Bent’s harrowing, moving pictures contributed massively to The Sunday Times Christmas appeal, in aid of Iraqi children horrifically wounded in the war; it has since raised more than £1 million.

He and Hala built relationships with many of their subjects.  When a girl called Shams Kareem was blinded by a bomb blast that killed her mother, Steve’s pictures brought home her story to the readers, who responded by donating £140,000 that brought her to London for treatment.  Steve and Hala have helped support her ever since.  She is one of several they met in Iraq they, unseen and unheralded, continued to help.

Even in the final year, unable to eat, and fed through a tube in his nose, Bent was often at his most animated when following international stories, especially where Hala was involved in Libya and Syria.  Crouched on the sofa, cigarette burning beside him, he would scribble notes to be relayed to Hala together with snippets from agency reports he demanded from colleagues.  When told he was like a Foreign Editor, his eyes danced – as they did to the end when all else was failing – and muttered his well known view of armchair generals.

Those blue-eyes would have been ‘dancing’ too a few days after his death at the success of a longstanding prank that had led to the fact that Geoff Bent, among the Manchester United players to have died in the 1958 Munich air disaster, was an uncle had appeared in an obit.  That alleged relationship had been an often repeated wind-up of Holliday so he believed it to be true…typical.
Steve Bent was one of the most travelled snappers in Fleet Street’s history. With the exception of South America, there was hardly a country that his trademark Desert boots had not left their imprint on.
His friends around the globe will mourn his passing very, very, very deeply – as will the orphaned children that his desperately moving photos raised so much money for.

David Williams
Chief Reporter
Daily Mail

This is not Soccer


Welshmen: An Apology.

During past rants, I may or may not have been discourteous or downright rude about the Welsh-speaking peoples of the world. I would like to make it clear that I do not hold all Welshmen in such low regard – just the boring, long-winded, opinionated, chippy ones (that should cover most of em). However, I would like to make it clear that referee Nigel Owens is not included in this group. For now at least.

Owens comes in for a lot of criticism, often from me, but you will not find The Sharp Single in anything but total agreement with how he handled the situation during this match. Thank you, Mr Owens. Let’s hope someone from FIFA, UEFA or the FA is reading this.

Well said, Nigel. And long may it remain not soccer.

6nationgridadvert

Our Frank


Photo and half time oranges courtesy of Mr Terry Kirk

You’ll notice a couple of things about the above photo. Firstly, how the young man on the far left of the front row has hardly changed at all over the past 25 years since the snap was taken of the Dartfordians 1st XV 1985/86. The young then-winger went onto become one of east Bexley’s least talked about centers, one of the country’s slowest fast bowlers and writer of mumbling and bumbling slightly-left-of-centre blogs, part-time t-shirt maker and scaffolder’s knee-wrencher.

You’ll also notice the rather imposing figure, third in from the left of the back row of Frank Wallen. Man-mountain, father, brother (in all senses of the word), all-in wrestler, civil servant and tickler of the ivories (he played all the right notes in the right order). Frank died last night, they tell me, apparently of a heart attack. He will be sorely, sorely missed.

Frank was my vice captain when for some reason I was asked to captain the 1st XV. It was a long time ago, but the memories of my disastrous and lacklustre attempts to skipper that side still keep awake at night those poor sods who were there to witness it.

Not that Frank need have taken any of the blame for our appalling form (and I’d like to meet the bloke who’d have blamed him.) While my alcohol or apathy-related injuries prevented me from attending midweek training, Frank would be there, with the other 7 attendees, running around the dark and wet field, scaring and scragging people as he went. He did all this without a moan, without once having a go at me for not being there/being in the pub/staying at work/being in the pub (delete where applicable). Good job too: I’d have shit myself if he’d had done so.

Off the pitch he was as gentle a man you could ever wish to meet. Quiet, with a magnificent sense of humour and smile to match, he would sit at the bar, pipe on the go, nodding and giggling along with whatever story was being rolled out again for the umpteenth time. He was terrific company and seemed amiable and happy all the time.

On the pitch was a slightly different story. My mate Keith – no mean player himself – recounts the day as a 19 year old he took his place in the side as hooker, alongside Frank in the scrummage (Frank would have been around 30 by then already). The match was against local rivals Gravesend, and at each and every scrum, Frank’s opposite number would take the opportunity to call Frank a “black cvnt” every time their heads came close. What this bloke was going to do to Our Frank during and after the match was no-one’s business and anyone’s guess. Sadly for the Gravesend player (let’s call him Terry), the end of the game came sooner than expected. For him, at least.

As Keith jogged across to a lineout, he saw Terry, hands on his knees, bent over grabbing huge lungfuls of air between plays. Then something odd happened. Nothing is certain, but it seems Terry must have slipped because, all of a sudden, his chin came into violent connection with a freshly-arrived knee (the colour of which has never been proven). Terry exited the pitch quickly, chin-first, eyes shut, at a 30 degree angle and four feet above the ground, until he landed on the cricket square between pitches (somewhere around backward short leg). Frank looked around innocently. Keith threw up.

Everyone on the circuit knew Frank. He sorta stood-out. It wasn’t just that he was one of the few black prop-forwards around (we down the Rugby Club also enjoyed the playing company of his younger, bigger brother Brian), he was also as strong as one man could possibly be. I mean scary-strong.

Perhaps it was this strength that lent itself so readily to Frank’s other sporting passion: All-In Wrestling. These were the days well before WWF or Wrestlemania or whatever. Men in ill-fitting cotton and spandex outfits, pretending to jump up and down on other men, similarly attired. It must have been so hard for Frank to “pretend”.

But he didn’t fight as Frank Wallen. No, no, nothing as drab as that. When our Big Frank entered the ring he became none other than “Soul Brother Butcher” Dave Bond. It just rolled off the tongue in a way his opponents rolled off the canvass. Of this world of fixed bouts, of goodie and baddies, and little old women screaming at someone to “rip ‘is bloomin’ ‘ead orf”, Frank would tell you that he never competed as a goody. “Apart from in Brixton” he would add with smile.

After a rugby match, if you were particularly lucky, Frank and his big mate John Harrison (another big unit) would sit either end of a piano keyboard and treat you to some honky-tonk.  If you were really really lucky you’d have been in a public bar when this mate John pretended to square up to Frank, having the effect of terrifying the barman due to the imminent prospect of a huge punch-up between two enormous men. As the poor innkeeper, fearful of the pub’s decor, nervously shouted “I’ll call the police”, both Frank and John would cuddle the poor guy, Frank in fits of laughter as John (a member of Her Majesty’s Met Police) would tell him “they’re already here, mate”.

But more often than not, you’d find Frank sitting at the bar, supping on his pint and pipe, smiling and listening to all around him, chatting about the game that afternoon. He knew he was a little different, that he cut an impressive dash, an imposing figure. But all Frank wanted to do was to enjoy life, a game and a pint.

As I left the clubhouse one night, he got me into a headlock to tell me a joke (it’s what he did).
“Hey, Bomber, why do white girls go out with black blokes ?”
Dreadfully nervous of putting my foot in it I replied lamely “er…I dunno, Frank”
“To get their handbags back” he cracked. Huge grin across his face, giggling to himself like a schoolboy.

“Now Frank, you’d have killed anyone here if they’d have told you that” I suggested.
“Yep, but they never would, Mike.” he grinned “They never would”.