And The Winner Isn’t (Original Screenplay)


Scrolling through the list of nominees for this year’s Academy Awards it dawns on me just how few movies I’ve been to see over the past 12 months. I saw Up on a plane and Hurt Locker on DVD. Although a huge movie fan, I’ve always shied away from going to the cinema, preferring to wait til the DVD release. Yes, I’m fully aware that films were made to be watched on the big screen, but a trip to the flicks has always been a less than underwhelming experience for me.

Whatever The Drifters may think, Saturday Night at the Movies was a miserable, wasted night. I could never get comfortable, movie houses having a penchant for packing you in, in rows of seats with airliner leg-room. You couldn’t get a beer (well not in the UK anyway), which means 2 1/2 hours of your weekend wasted, and I always manage to sit in front of someone annoying bastard from one of the following categories:
1. He’s seen the movie before and would give his mates/girlfriend a commentary of the film, using helpful phrases like “oh, this is a good bit” or reciting the upcoming line 2 seconds before it was delivered.
2. He’s bought out the concessions stand in the foyer and would rustle and chomp his way through the whole movie, right in your ear hole.
3. Him and his missus are copulating throughout the film with the accompanying squeaks, giggles and groans being very off-putting. And it’s even worse if the couple happen to be sitting in front of you. A silhouetted head bobbing up and down in the row in front of me once made me miss every third frame of Schindler’s List
4. He laughs heartily at every single gag in the movie, as if he was the scriptwriter.
5. He’s pissed, so all of the above could apply.

And before you tell me that multiplexes now have huge sofas and bars with proper food and drinks served to you, it’s too late. The die has been cast, and anyway it’ll still be full of gits.

Ah! That's more like it

No, even for one with such tolerance for and love of my fellow man, I prefer to watch my films at home from the comfort, peace and quiet of my own sofa, where the only sound is the door of the fridge opening when the Incumbent opens another couple of beers.

It’ll be the first time in ten years that I won’t be participating in TIME magazine‘s Oscar Sweep, where we’d predict/guess who will win which category. But seeing as I’ve watched very few movies this year my chances of winning would be, at best, minimal. Although some of the awards they hand out are so obscure that it’s a complete lottery anyway (who makes notes on their favourite Writing from an Adapted Screenplay ? Certainly not that girl sitting in the row in front of me blowing her boyfriend)

So when the time comes I will be hoping that Hurt Locker romps home with the award for Best (Only)Nominated Picture Seen by Me This Year and UP walks away with Best Animated Feature shown by Oman Air Last November.

Obviously we’ll all be biting our nails, hoping Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen wins in the category of Sound Mixing.

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7 thoughts on “And The Winner Isn’t (Original Screenplay)

  1. I cannot believe what I have just read!!!!
    Are you not one of the only 2 people in history to spend a Saturday afternoon while on Rugby Tour at the Flicks.
    It was disgraceful behaviour then, and I put it to you sir that you are in denial.
    (Gavin Jackson was the other culprit for those that wondered).
    Harrumph!

  2. Well I thought you were ‘on thin ice’ with the reference to the luge ‘slip up’ and outpourring of olympian grief article,but now this…..
    I concur that one protests too much.

    Having also slipped into laziness provided by home technology being at ones’ disposal,I have over the past 12/18 months started about a dozen films only to give up on them after an hour due to lack of interest.
    The process by which one chooses to ‘go to the pictures’ takes much more discerning planning and requires a level of commitment to the cause that one feels obliged to soldier on through the film and thereby perhaps appreciate the nuances which made you choose to view that particular offering in the first place…
    On the other hand,I think have just gotten too old to be arsed with it all…
    But safely assume the oscars will be the standard overkill of razzamatazz,glitz and beautiful young women poured ‘almost’ completely into designer gowns,so who cares…,

    • Fuck ’em all, Trev. Since you’re far too much the gentleman (or perhaps just too Welsh) to say it, I will: I can’t believe you churned out that many words to justify not going to the cinema when we all know you’re usually too fucking blottoed to be able to focus even on images five yards high and seven wide anyway.

      Can’t imagine why Trev didn’t dish that one out himself. Oh wait–yes I do.

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