This story writes itself. Either she is a bloke in which case she should be banned and GB picks up the silver, or she’s a bird and we should all be ashamed of ourselves for thinking otherwise of the poor girl. Just because she doesn’t look like Denise Lewis (phwoaarrrrr, eh!?!?! A nudge is as good as a wink and so on, and so forth) and has a voice like Nelson Mandela on valium she has come under huge media suspicion and speculation. Either way the Athletic authorities need shooting: the timing of their announcement of the inquiry (hours before her final) was a disgrace.

Semenya indicates how many testicles she has

If all ugly women are liable to gender testing and a ban from their chosen profession, what a state we’d all be in? Does anybody actually remember Rachel Heyhoe-Flint?, Betty Stove, and dear old Fatima Whitbread? Girls Aloud would be one short for starters and the former PM would have led a batchelor’s life (oh how he wishes).

Here’s a game you might like to play. Turn on the BBC TV news. Close your eyes when they go over to Afghanistan and try to picture the face that goes with the deep gravelly voice of the BBC Correspondent.

Your mind will think along these sort of lines:

But in reality it belongs to the lovely Caroline Wyatt :

Now obviously it makes no difference to us whether she’s a he or not, apart from the confusion she causes me nightly when I see her face for the first time after her VT is played. No-one is suggesting that she should be tested or banned from the Beeb because she looks like Claire Balding‘s big sister and sounds like Lee Marvins Auntie? I merely point it out that sometimes a Doris does look like and sound like a Geezer! (I had a whole paragraph here about women in my past, but on legal advice, I have removed it)

It’s a shame for Semenya that it’s come to this. Personally I’d have run a little slower and worn skipy drawers but, hey, is it her fault that she’s bloody quick but a tad butch?

It is a bloke, though, innit?