Absolutely Perfect Without Being Actually Any Good


I am ashamed to admit that, until today, I’d never heard of Roger Ebert who has died aged 70.

He is described in obituaries today as the world’s most famous critic.  Hmmm… I thought that was me. However, I put my hands up and admit that this guy knew how to put down a movie and, judging by the quotes which Yahoo News kindly posted this morning, I shall enjoy myself digging out his old copy, even if I missed the thrill of opening a fresh weekly review as, clearly, his readers of his Chicago Sun-Times column enjoyed.

I suspect that if I’d had any keen interest at all in cinema, amassed a far too extensive for my own good dvd collection, or had ever worked for a large American media company for, say, the first ten years of this century (and then resigned to go work for another one) I may well have come across Mr Ebert and his glorious wit.

As it is, I have lots of back numbers to look forward to. But these will do for now. I intend to have the review of Armageddon (which my regular reader , Dave in Penge, will know is my most hated film) tattooed onto the inside of my eyelids.


Crocodile Dundee II’ 
“I’ve seen audits that were more thrilling.”

Spice World

“What can you say about five women whose principal distinguishing characteristic is that they have different names? They occupy Spice World as if they were watching it: They’re so detached they can’t even successfully lip-synch their own songs. During a rehearsal scene, their director tells them, with such truth that we may be hearing a secret message from the screenwriter, ‘That was absolutely perfect — without being actually any good.’”

“I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.”

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

“To say that George Lucas cannot write a love scene is an understatement; greeting cards have expressed more passion.”

‘Valentine’s Day’
“Valentine’s Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it’s more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date.”

‘Deuce Bigalow’
‘Deuce Bigalow’ is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience. The best thing about it is that it runs for only 75 minutes. … Does this sound like a movie you want to see? It sounds to me like a movie that Columbia Pictures and the film’s producers … should be discussing in long, sad conversations with their inner child.

‘Freddy Got Fingered’

“This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels….The film is a vomitorium consisting of 93 minutes of Tom Green doing things that a geek in a carnival sideshow would turn down.

‘Brown Bunny’

I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than ‘The Brown Bunny’.

‘Battlefield Earth’
‘Battlefield Earth’ is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It’s not merely bad; it’s unpleasent in a hostile way. … 

‘Resident Evil: Apocalypse’ 
Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this movie, do not let them date your children.


“No matter what they’re charging to get in, it’s worth more to get out.”

‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’
‘The movie has been signed by Michael Bay. This is the same man who directed ‘The Rock’ in 1996. Now he has made ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’. Faust made a better deal.


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