I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen…and replaced by exact duplicates.

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Extract from Steven Wright’s “I Still Have a Pony”. Wonderful stuff.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me: “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder”.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

My father was a circus clown. When he died all his friends went to the funeral in the same car.