I’m a man of a certain age and weight who should know better. A frustrated hack who took took the wrong turning or three, and after a while became a picture editor for several of the bigger players in the game. I now live, moan and play in the Garden of England.

The bloke who opens up from one end in the sky threw down a couple of bouncers to me recently, and one just clipped me round the back of the head, forcing me to retire to the pavilion while I have my wounds patched up. My fledgling yet promising career as the world’s smallest flash mob looks to have ended at the tender age of 47.

In between rants and bouts of cramp I now have my stubby fingers in a couple of tasty little pies, one of which is restoring and retouching photos. At my age touching-up photos is one of the few thrills left open to me.

The other one is making T-shirts. In the new year you’ll be able to buy and wear your very own piece of me, as me and my mate rob set out to take on first Matalan, then the world. The Generic Logo Company (www.genericlogocompany.com) already has a presence on eBay where we’ve started to sell some of our wears. We have received some favourable comments and a few complaints. But fuck em if they can’t take a joke. In the new year you’ll be able to go direct and see the full range of what we have to offer. So get your money out, you bastards.

Here come the plugs:

Get Yourself to: